My life twirls and spins. Somtimes it spirals. Lately I've experienced a lot of spirals that feel so much like a heavy burden. I feel like I've taken wrong paths and missed God's calling. We've all heard the expression, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result and I have been the epitome of the in recent months. I've stripped my life to the bare minimum. Cried out to God asking where did I go wrong? Where did I miss your voice?
"And after the earthquake, a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire...a still small voice" 1 Kings 19:12
I keep missing the still small voice because I'm too busy listening for the clanging drum. I'm waiting for the sounds of bells that I don't hear the whispers. The birds in the morning when they first come alive, the squeaky yawn of my sweet girl when she first rises in the morning, the winds blowing through the trees at the end of the day. I've been too busy to notice. Too busy filling my day with what feels like has overtaken my life. Missed deadlines and failed certifications loom daily; I wake up in the morning and I wearily go to bed at night working and worrying over them. Failure is the only thought I seemed to tolerate. Meanwhile beautiful summer days and lovely memories are being made continuously around me.
I missed twirling with my Gracie in her dresses and cuddling up for a cartoon. I even missed arguing about eating her dinner and fighting over brushing her hair! (Have I gone mad?!) Cuddling with my honey on the deck after our sweetness is sleeping for the night. There was so much I missed for weeks and even months.
I missed the still small voices that God gives to be thankful for. If we move to quickly or too loudly, we miss them. When we allow our "busyness" to interfere with God's plan, this is what happens. I didn't fail my certifications so that God could teach me to be grateful that I have a beautiful healthy daughter and a strong wonderful loving husband. But because I finally sat quiet long enough to hear Him, he showed me I do. I have so much to be thankful for.