I have talked, thought and prayed so much about making my life better. Right now I’m in a whirlwind of creativity, frustration, exasperation and excitement. It’s time. Right now I have promised myself and my God that these moments of fleeting whimsy are over. I’m moving forward with my dreams. I had a “Gracie and Mommy Night” tonight. We watched The Barbie Nutcracker and I saw her light up again with the same enthusiasm for the music and the dance that I do for writing. I do not want to see that disappear. In the darkness of the movie, homemade popcorn and dinosaur chicken nuggets we watched Barbie dance the Sugar Plum princess dance. Surrounded by our bed made of pillows, brightly colored sleeping bags and chocolate milk, I said a prayer. Dear Lord, let my “yes’s” be “yes’s” and my “no’s” be “no’s”. I’m done with breaking my own promises to myself. I have to find myself worthy enough to follow through. I need to find the courage within myself to be who I have always known I’m supposed to be. I am a writer.
I am a good writer. I hesitated as I wrote those words on this page. I haven’t even published this blog and yet I hesitate to have the courage to say to myself that I was given this gift to write by God and that I am good at it. Uh! I said it again. Dear Me! What’s next, I might say I’m pretty…not even daring to say I’m beautiful. Just pretty for now.
After The Nutcracker and a brief visit from my mom and dad, we cuddled some more on the couch for one final show before bed. Grace chose Cupcake Wars, to my surprise. We talked about our love for baking and it brought me back to my promise. In the middle of the cupcake drama, while she curled up in my lap. We waited with baited breath over the girl with the most sprinkles or the one with the strawberry-lime puree. During that time, I made Grace a promise. Because she’s five, I am sure it didn’t mean as much to her as it meant to me. I hope that one day she will understand. I promise to always follow my dream and the God given talent that I have. I understood that I had this gift when I was even younger than she is now, I can still make good on God’s plan for me. There is no time limit on following His will for your life.
So I promised her I will be a successful writer and that she will read my books someday. She looked at me with a look of concern. “But mama she said, I can’t read yet.” I had to think for a moment, because this has always been so far out in the future to me. I would always SOMEDAY be a successful published author. My assumption was that by the time my dreams come true; she will be able to read. I decided the time is now and my action is now. So I answered her “Then I will read them to you.”
The time is now. No more waiting.